The Battle Plan - Part V

(This is the continuation of a post about giving the perfect gift.  You can find the previous strategies here, here, here, and here!)

Strategy #8: Perseverance

When you are waging a war, you don’t always win every battle.  There will be little skirmishes, here and there, that you will lose.  There may be times you and your beloved will slip-up, fall back into old habits, compromise on your guidelines.

The key is to keep your mind on your goal: giving the perfect gift.  Don’t let losing one battle cause you to lose the whole war.  Admit your wrongdoing, stand back up, and resolve not to fall again.  The best soldier isn’t necessarily the one who is never wounded; it’s oftentimes the one who, though wounded, reenters the fray with renewed zeal and determination.

Giving the perfect gift is worth every ounce of effort and sacrifice.  It’s worth fighting for…again, again, and again.  There is never a time when it’s too late to begin anew.  There will always be a new day, a new opportunity to fight for what is true and beautiful. 

Love is sacrifice.  If you love your beloved, you will try every single day to give him or her what is best so that, even if you fall one day, the next day you’ll be even more determined to love more purely and generously.  Chris and I didn’t do everything perfectly in our relationship and engagement.  We had our falls, too—times we didn’t follow our guidelines.  It was tempting to become discouraged and to throw in the towel.  But our desire to love each other was too strong and the goal of the perfect gift too noble to ignore. 

As I walked up the aisle on our wedding day, it was, in many ways, a victory march.  Chris triumphantly waited for me at the top of the aisle.  My white wedding dress was our banner flag, waving in victory.  We had done it: we persevered in waiting to give each other the perfect gift.

Keep fighting the good fight.  Let the white of your (or your bride's) wedding dress be your victory flag of purity.  No matter your past or how many times you have fallen, pick yourself up and begin again.

Strategy #9: Hobbies

You may find, once you have created your guidelines for physical affection and are following them, that suddenly you and your beloved have a lot of free time on your hands. 

This is exactly the way it should be—the period before marriage is a discernment time.  Up until the moment you say, “I do,” you are trying to figure out if this person is your vocation, the man or woman you are meant to spend the rest of your life with.  Physical intimacy isn’t going to answer that for you; as I mentioned earlier, it often makes the answer more difficult to find.

So, with your free time, get to know your beloved better.  Take up some hobbies together.  Learn how to dance.  Go on a bike ride.  Play a game of chess or read a story together (in a library or other public place). Explore some historical sites in your local area.

Find ways to let your beloved know how much you love him or her.  Affection and romance don’t have to always be physical.  Write him or her a poem.  Create a playlist of songs that chronologically represent your relationship, or that remind you of your beloved.  Leave flowers or homemade cookies on his or her doorstep one morning. 

One of the benefits of reserving the sexual act and sexual affection for marriage is that it adds beauty and depth to things that are important and that strengthen a relationship, but otherwise may be overlooked.  Suddenly holding hands becomes something incredible precious, something absolutely romantic.

Use your free time to talk…really talk.  Have some deep, personal conversations.  What was your beloved’s most cherished memory?  What is his or her darkest fear?  Who does he or she admire the most and why?  If he or she could change one thing from the past, what would it be?  What does your beloved consider his or her greatest fault and greatest strength?  What is your beloved’s goal in life?  How would he or she define “love?”  Talk about the future.  Where does he or she see both of you in ten years?  What is his or her view regarding your roles in marriage?  How many children would he or she want?  What is most important to him or her in raising children? 

Ask these questions because the answers will help you really discern if this person is the best fit for you.  If you and your beloved have a radically different understanding of the purpose of life or the meaning of love—it’s time to figure out why and what that means for your relationship.

The time before marriage is the time to build emotional and spiritual intimacy—not physical intimacy.

Tomorrow I will post the last--and most important--battle strategy for giving the perfect gift!

The Battle Plan - Part IV

(This is the continuation of a post about giving the perfect gift.  You can find the previous strategies here, here, and here.)

Strategy #7: Accountability

Remember how I said that you and your beloved should write down your guidelines for physical affection?  Those guidelines are your promise to each other.  You are accountable to those guidelines.  The minute either one of you begins to compromise on one of your resolutions, the compromiser must gently but firmly be reminded of your guidelines. 

Don’t allow little slip-ups to go by without calling them to attention.  It’s frighteningly easy to fall back into old habits.  I said that giving the perfect gift is a battle; it’s a daily battle, sometimes minute-by-minute battle.  It demands constant vigilance.

There was a time in our engagement when a kiss went on a little longer than it should have, perhaps venturing into a “step 2” territory.  I didn’t say anything to Chris at the time and he similarly said nothing to me.  I reasoned it was only a fluke and decided to let it go (the fact that it was pleasurable made it easier to “just let it go”).  The following kiss also went a little longer.  Before we could slide into step 2 or 3 zones, Chris said, “We need to revisit our guidelines because we aren’t following them.”  He held us accountable. 

One thing we found particularly helpful was having a daily “chastity check.”  At the end of our date or day spent together, before saying good night, we would do a mental review. 

First, thoughts: did I spend time dwelling upon and imagining things of a sexual nature?  We can’t control the thoughts that enter our mind, but we can certainly decide to entertain those thoughts or to dismiss them.  The problem with entertaining sexual thoughts is that thoughts spurn desires and desires spurn actions.  Keep your thoughts pure and you’ll find it’s a great deal easier to keep your actions pure, too. 

The second chastity check: what about your words?  Did you say something suggestive or something that you would be embarrassed to have your parents overhear? 

Finally, what about your actions?  Did you do something against your guidelines for physical affection? 

By having a daily chastity check where we reviewed our thoughts, words, and actions, Chris and I helped prevent little slip-ups from becoming acquired habits and, eventually, big slip-ups.

Oftentimes though, even with the aid of a daily check, it’s just not enough to have each other.  My Mom is an amazing person and, without her help and firm guidance, I don’t know if Chris and I would have had the strength to give each other the perfect gift.  She held us accountable.  At times, it really annoyed us; now, I can’t thank her enough for it.

I remember a time when Chris and I had just returned from chaperoning a trip to Washington, D.C.  We returned to my family’s house around 2 AM and both went to sleep immediately (in separate rooms and separate beds, of course).  My Mom insisted that, once my siblings and parents left for school and work that morning, I also leave the house until my Dad returned home an hour or so later.  I was absolutely exhausted and assured her that nothing would happen.  However, my Mom knew that Chris and I would be alone, in the house, and that was against our guidelines.  Despite my claims that “nothing would happen,” there was still the possibility that something could happen.  It was too big a risk; there was too much at stake.  She insisted I leave and I had no choice but to do so.  She held us accountable and we will be forever indebted to her for doing so.

(While we are on the topic, if you are a parent of a teenager or young adult, do you hold him or her accountable?  Your child needs your support, guidance, and protection in order to give the perfect gift.  Don’t be fooled by the idea, “He is an adult now; he can make his own decisions,” or, “She moved out, so it’s not my business.”  If he were about to jump off a bridge, what would you do?  You would try to stop him, of course, and direct him to safety.  Your child’s future and happiness—both in this world and in the next—are at stake here.  He or she may be annoyed, angry, and/or resentful for your involvement.  But love is willing what is best for your loved one…even when you meet opposition.  So become involved, sacrifice even if it hurts.  He or she needs you, especially when there are so many other voices out there with opposing messages.  Give him or her the loving assistance needed to give the perfect gift.)

Back to you and your beloved!  So you need to decide: what third party will hold you accountable?  If it’s not a parent, perhaps you can enlist a close friend or spiritual adviser.  Ask him or her to check-in regularly with you to see how you and your beloved are doing with regard to your physical affection.  Don’t try to do it alone.

The Battle Plan - Part III

(This is the continuation of a post about giving the perfect gift.  You can find the previous strategies here and here.)

Strategy #5: Location, Location, Location

Someone going on a diet would be ill advised to spend a lot of time in a bakery.  Similarly, don’t place yourself in circumstances where it will be hard to stick to your agreed-upon guidelines for physical affection.  As may be deduced, living together would place you and your beloved in a state of tremendous temptation.  If you have resolved to reserve the marital act for marriage, then the first step is to have separate residences.  The added benefit of this is that it will make living together, as husband and wife, that much more exciting and beautiful, precisely because it will not be old hat. 

But how does the strategy of location apply to a couple that isn’t living together?  Here’s a succinct recommendation: don’t be alone.  No matter how firm your resolve or how determined you are to follow your guidelines, when you and your beloved are alone with no one else around, you are immediately placing yourself in danger.  It’s hard to keep your physical affection only to things that you would do in front of your parents, when there are no parents (or anyone else for that matter) in sight.

Chris and I were incredibly blessed in our relationship and engagement (though we didn’t fully appreciate it at the time).  We lived in separate states until we were married, so when he visited me, he would stay with my family.  We were hardly ever alone because there was always a family member nearby.  In fact, my parents (God bless them) were very conscious about making sure there was someone nearby. 

While we desired to have time, just the two of us, it was so fortunate we didn’t—because it would have been a problem for us.  Guaranteed.  How do I know this?  Confession: sometimes we would park my car somewhere to have time alone.  Most of the time we would just talk, but sometimes we would kiss and it was incredibly difficult to keep to our agreed-upon guidelines.  Sometimes we didn’t. 

Don’t overestimate your self-control or become too confident.    

Once Chris and I were married, we could bask in each other’s private company as much as we wanted, with clear consciences and joyful hearts.  But until you are married, don’t be alone together.  Go to a coffee shop, a library, a park or playground, a college campus—places where you can still enjoy each other’s company, but where you won’t be tempted to become too physically affectionate.

Strategy #6: Train Your Will

Our desires don’t always follow reason.  Massive shopping sprees, eating a gallon of ice cream—these are just two examples of desire getting out of control.  We have to train our desires, reining them in and taming them like you would a wild horse.  Desires are good, but if they are unleashed without any control, they will eventually hurt you. 

So how do you train and control your physical desires? 

Start small.  If you want to have control over your physical affection, practice physical control in other, simpler ways.  Specifically, practice little acts of self-denial.  For example, perhaps you regularly have toast and butter with your breakfast.  Try denying yourself the butter for a week.  Maybe you love your morning cup of coffee.  Don’t put in your usual two spoonfuls of sugar.  If you really want to practice self-denial, take a cold shower. 

This might sound crazy to you.  But think about it: if you can have the self-control to deny yourself a small pleasure (hot shower, extra sugar, butter), you will build up your stamina and strength so when you are tempted with physical pleasure, your reason—not your body—will maintain control. 

With practice, you will be able to deny yourself much more alluring physical pleasures for the greater good of your beloved.  Remember?  Love is sacrifice.  Let these little acts of self-denial be your shield and armor so you’ll be strong enough to battle against physical temptations.

The Battle Plan - Part II

(This is the continuation of a post about giving the perfect gift.  You can find strategies #1 and 2 here.)

Strategy #3: Don’t Start the Process

The human body is really amazing and if you understand how it works, you can keep yourself out of a great deal of trouble and temptation.  The marital act (sexual relations) doesn’t just happen out of the blue.  There is a whole array of steps leading up to it.  As you progress along the first, second, third, fourth steps and beyond, you’re preparing your body for the final step. 

So, if you aren’t going to follow through with that final step until marriage, don’t start the process to begin with!  As per strategy #2, the sexual act is being reserved for marriage.  But that’s not the only thing that should wait until the honeymoon. 

Any physical affection of a sexual nature—anything that “starts the process”—should also go on hold. 

“This is too hard!” you might think.  Well, in many ways, no.  It’s harder to keep frustrating your body by giving it a taste and then snuffing it all out.  By starting but never finishing the process, you will be continually tempting yourself.  It will be incredibly hard to keep putting on the breaks.  You may ultimately arrive at a place in the process where you’ve passed the point of no return, so to speak. 

Don’t put yourself in that kind of predicament.  The best idea is to have another conversation with your beloved (you are going to be working very hard on emotional intimacy now!).  Talk about what “starts the process” for both of you.  Delineate what crosses the line from pure, innocent affection and affection of a sexual nature.  In our relationship, Chris and I quickly realized that even something like kissing could start the process for us—the kiss’s duration, intensity, and even the frequency of our kisses all mattered. 

This was our “litmus test”: if you can do it in front of your parents, no problem.  If you can’t…then don’t do it at all—don’t start the process.

Again, love is sacrifice.  Sacrifice these acts of physical pleasure for the good of your beloved.  You wouldn’t want to leave your beloved dangling on the edge of a cliff, for fear he or she may have a fatal fall.  Similarly, don’t place your beloved in temptation by engaging in physical affection of a sexual nature.  No, it might not be the sexual act itself, but it may well lead to that and—as mentioned before—such a thing could be deadly for your relationship and for your souls.

 Strategy #4: Set Clear, Explicit Guidelines Beforehand

When you’re incredibly attracted to someone and are being physically affectionate (by this, I don’t mean sexual relations, as per strategy #2 that is now being reserved for marriage), it’s really hard to think clearly.  Don’t wait until you are kissing to first start wondering how far is too far. 

Ideally, when you first begin a relationship, you should have a conversation with your beloved about what is and is not physically acceptable between the two of you. 

It’s never too late to have such a discussion, however, and no time is too soon to do so, if it hasn’t happened yet.  It’s a conversation you’ll need to repeat and revisit.  There may be something you do to your beloved that sends him or her to step #4, much further along in the process than you want to be.  Find out what that is and wait until your honeymoon to do that again. 

Be very clear when doing this.  For example, I mentioned above that kissing was at times a problem for Chris and me.  So, to keep our kisses outside the “step” process, we decided we would kiss no more than five times/day and each kiss wouldn’t last more than five seconds.  No passionate kissing here—not until the honeymoon.  Sound extreme?  When you love someone, you go to extremes to ensure their well-being. 

We also found that writing down our guidelines was quite helpful.  Doing so made them concrete and enabled us to reread them, as well as add to them as new issues came up.  After making our list, we each signed the bottom to make them official.

The Battle Plan - Part I

Any army advancing into battle needs to have a strategy, a plan of action.  If you want to give the perfect gift, you need to be prepared to fight for it.  Engrained habits, physical desires, the longing for pleasure—these are on the offensive, to keep you from obtaining your goal. 

The strategy is to form good, healthy, truly loving habits; to tame one’s physical desires under the direction of reason and to develop firm self-control; and to redirect your longing for pleasure into the sacrificial love of willing what is best for your beloved.

Before we go into a detailed battle plan, let’s first revisit the perfect gift  Here is the “cliff notes” version of my previous post.

•     In a relationship between a man and woman, their desire for unity and attraction to one another urges them to give of themselves physically.
•     Love is sacrifice: willing what is best for your beloved.  If you truly love your beloved, you will give him or her the perfect gift: reserving the physical gift of yourself until the permanent, exclusive, and complete relationship that is marriage.
•     Physical relations, when they occur outside of marriage and thus outside of the loving sacrifice marriage entails, lead the man and woman to use each other for pleasure.  Outside of marriage, love can easily become lust.
•     Sexual relations are bad marital preparation.  They train the man and woman to expect instant gratification.  There is little practice of the self-control and self-denial that are necessary for marriage and for raising children.  Also, physical intimacy often masks voids in the relationship (such as little spiritual or emotional intimacy, both of which are key for a successful marriage).
•     Outside of marriage, sexual relations constitute a mortal or deadly sin, capable of completely separating one from God.  In the Catholic Church, the bodies of the husband and wife are holy and the marital act completes the sacrament of matrimony.  The marital act is part of a beautiful plan for love and life, but outside of this plan, sexual relations divide a man and woman from each other…and from God.   

So, how does one go about giving the perfect gift—waiting until marriage to give yourself physically to your beloved?  When you are dating someone, how do you know what is and is not appropriate when it comes to physical affection?

Strategy #1: Enlist Your Ally…Or Start Asking Really Serious Questions

It takes two to tango.  If you’re going to give the perfect gift, you are going to need an ally.  Well, more than one, but we’ll get to that later.  You are going to need to sit down and have a chat with your beloved because, let’s face it, you both need to be on the same page with this if it’s going to work. 

Here is what you need to know: will your boyfriend or girlfriend help you reserve sexual relations for marriage?

Remember that emotional intimacy?  If you and your beloved have it, this conversation shouldn’t be too difficult, because you feel open and comfortable talking about deep and serious issues together.  If you don’t have emotional intimacy, well, now is a good time to start developing it. 

Perhaps, dear reader, you are thinking to yourself, “I could never even bring this up with my beloved.”  Why is that?  Do you think your beloved would laugh at the proposition?  Would he or she think you crazy?  But if giving the perfect gift is better for your relationship, for your marriage, for your soul…why should it be funny or crazy?  At the very least, seeing how it would be important to you, would your beloved have the respect and love for you to listen with an open mind in an effort to understand your position? 

Love is sacrifice.  So here’s the issue in a nutshell: Is your beloved willing to sacrifice physical pleasure out of love for you?

This raises many more questions.  If your beloved doesn’t agree to waiting until marriage…why not?  Does he or she value your body more than your whole self?  This sounds more like lust than love.  Does your beloved lack the self-control required to give the perfect gift?  If so, this also isn’t a good sign.  In marriage, you want a husband or wife you can depend upon and whom you can trust will be strong in times of great difficulty.  If your beloved doesn’t have control over his or her physical desires under good conditions, can you trust he or she will be faithful to you when the road gets rocky?

I know—these questions can be scary and very serious.  But if your relationship with your beloved matters to you, the answers to these questions should matter, too.  They will highlight areas where your relationship needs work and healing.  You can’t fix something if you never realize that it is broken.  In some cases, these answers may lead someone to question whether the relationship should even continue.  This is difficult, but even worse is staying in a bad relationship or making a lifelong vow to the wrong person.

Strategy #2: Quit, Cold Turkey

So let’s say you and your beloved have a long chat and you jointly agree to embark on the most worthy pursuit of giving each other the perfect gift.  This is wonderful!  Start from the beginning—open a whole new chapter to your relationship.  It is going to be hard, but if you persevere and if you try, I promise you that your relationship is going to transform and you will be free to love each other in a way that was impossible before. 

The biggest step is stopping what might have become habitual in your relationship, perhaps even a physical addiction.  The first step: stop being physically intimate.  If your hand were in flames, you wouldn’t stand there, pondering what you should do; you would yank it out of the fire immediately.  If you’re having sexual relations, but not married, your relationship is in danger.  Get out of enemy territory! 

So, simple and straightforward: the sexual act will take place only when it can rightly be called the marital act.

The Perfect Gift

I was in love with him--so deeply, completely in love.

My boyfriend and I had been in a relationship for a short time, but I felt like I had always known him.  He occupied my thoughts almost always and I counted the hours until I could hear his voice or see his face.  I had thought I had known love before him, but I had been so wrong; those were only shadows of what was to come.  With him, it was so different.  It was true love.

Perhaps you can relate.  Maybe you find yourself captivated by your true love.

When your heart is taken by true love, it's only natural that this love seeks a way to express itself.  The feelings are overwhelming and no matter how many times you exclaim, "I love you!" the words never seem to convey what lies in the depth of your heart, how deeply you have been touched by this other being.

And so, true love seeks expression.  It's not enough to feel it inside, bubbling and growing within you.  It must burst forth in some conveyable manner to let your beloved know exactly how much you truly love him or her.

What is the perfect gift, then, to give your beloved?  Mere objects will not do.  No, material gifts fall too short.  Roses, chocolate, jewelry--these never fully express true love.

When in the throes of love, I think all men and women reach an identical conclusion.  The only gift that could possibly express your feelings is the gift of yourself.  True love compels you to desire oneness with your beloved; nothing but this closeness, this physical unity of two becoming one, can fully express your love.

Could there be a greater physical expression of love than sexual union?  Could there be a greater gift than physically giving yourself to your beloved?  Is there a more intimate or more perfect way to communicate your love?

Chris and I met online and it was several weeks until we actually saw each other in person.  That first date, though simplistic at a first glance, was epic and, as he hugged me goodbye, I felt it: a spark, the fire of love igniting in my heart.

As our relationship grew, so did our love and our desire to express that love to each other.  In my mind, I returned to those questions...could there be a greater physical expression of love than sexual union?  What greater gift could I give to my boyfriend than the very gift of myself?

He and I both knew the answer.  It's been affirmed in my mind a million times and the truth of it resounds in my heart.

Yes, there is a more perfect gift.  Yes, there is something greater, something infinitely greater that you can give your beloved.

The perfect gift?  It is indeed a giving of yourself physically, but it is more specific than that.  It's the physical gift of yourself that is permanent, exclusive, and complete.  It's saying, "I love you so much, that I am going to wait to give myself to you until I can do so for forever."

Chris and I decided to wait to be physically intimate until we were married.  It was an easy decision; at times, it was very difficult to live.  But we did it and, if could I go back, I would make the same decision, again and again and again.

Why?  Why does it matter so much: whether before or after marriage?

Our heart seeks to express itself physically.  That's why we have body language.  My husband knows right away when I am upset--not by my words, but by my facial expression.  My body expresses what my heart feels.

What does the sexual act express?  It shows that two people have become one, have given themselves completely and totally to one another in the most intimate way possible.

So when the sexual act takes place outside of marriage, what is happening is, in fact, a contradiction.  The man and woman haven't given themselves completely to each other in the permanent commitment that is marriage.  They aren't "one."  True, they may be in a committed relationship.  But I've been in relationships before.  Relationships are not permanent.  All it takes is one person to decide to leave.  It's happened to me before, both as the one left behind and as the one leaving.  There is nothing that substantially binds the two together: no ties of family, commitment before society, or religious or moral bond.

In premarital sexual relations, the language of the body speaks lies.

As I have written before, love is, in a word, sacrifice.  It is the conscious willing of the good for your beloved, even if that requires suffering (however great) on your part.  It is the giving of yourself--when it is easy to do so and when it is hard.

It’s hard to love someone to the point of sacrifice if, whenever your beloved hurts or angers you, you can freely and easily pick up and leave that person.

Marriage entails much sacrifice.  When you enter marriage, you sacrifice some of your freedoms.  No longer are you free to leave your boyfriend or girlfriend whenever you wish.  No longer are you free to end the relationship and date other people.  You surrender this freedom: you sacrifice it for the good of your beloved.

A permanent, complete gift is always, always better than one given on a loan.

What is the opposite of love?  You may instinctively think, "Hate."  But if love is sacrifice, then the opposite of love is exploitation: making your beloved suffer for your own gain.

The sexual act can be a powerful expression of undying love, but when it occurs outside of its rightful place (marriage), instead of self-sacrificing love of the other, the man and woman will begin to use each other.  At our wedding, Chris and I permanently and completely gave ourselves to each other, before God and our friends and family.  That night, our first night together, there was no notion that either of us was using the other for pleasure.  He had given himself to me in the vow he had spoken: he was my husband for the rest of my life.   Now he was expressing that gift of himself physically.

Within marriage, every time a husband and wife engage in this marital act, they are in fact, renewing their vows.  They are saying, "I do" again and again and again.  "I love you and I give myself completely to you."  Outside of marriage, because that lifelong commitment has not been made, the sexual act becomes devalued and becomes a mere pleasure.  The man and woman begin to see each other as a means to feel good.  True love is truly sacrifice.  Where there is no sacrifice, but rather use, there is no love.

So perhaps what I say rings true for you in cases where a person has multiple and many partners and treats the whole enterprise as a rather fun activity, along the lines of (but much better than) watching a movie or kicking back a beer.  

But what about a man and woman in an exclusive, committed relationship?  They truly love each other, right?  Why can't they express it physically? Why wait?

True love involves always desiring what is best for your beloved.  Yes, you could give your beloved a gift that seems pretty good (physical intimacy before marriage). But this gift, even if it doesn’t seem like it, doesn’t put your beloved first, but instead places many strains your relationship. 

You will come to see that when you truly want what is best for your beloved, you will reserve the greater gift: sexual relations within a marriage that is permanent and exclusive.

In short, sexual relations outside of marriage will hurt--not help--your relationship.  Physical intimacy is, of course, rather easy to achieve.  But, clearly, it isn't the only form of intimacy.  A couple can become emotionally and even spiritual intimate, but this is much harder (and takes longer) to develop.  The problem is that when two people, uncommitted to each other through marriage, have sexual relations, they have found physical intimacy. But this intimacy can easily mask a fatal void.  

Emotional and spiritual intimacy take a great deal of time and effort to grow and blossom; physical intimacy is a matter of brief few moments.  Yet, a couple that is far more physically intimate than emotionally and spiritually will not last the trials of a long-term relationship (not less parenthood!).  This is why the divorce rates among those who did not wait until marriage to have relations are so very high.  

You may know your boyfriend or girlfriend physically, but how well do you really know this person emotionally or spiritually?  The heart can be a scary place: we can all keep dark secrets locked in there, vices and personal flaws we don't like to think about.  Don't wait until after marriage to really get to know your loved one.

Giving into the desire for sexual relations before marriage also prepares you badly for married life because it provides instant physical gratification, at will.  It doesn’t prepare anyone for the self-control required of a good marriage.  Marriage is not easy: it’s a big and routine sacrifice.  It doesn’t come naturally to always put the good of your spouse (and children) before your own wants and needs.  If you are both used to feeling good whenever you want to feel good, you’ll find it that much harder to swallow your pride (and what you want) in favor of a greater good.

And many times, it is really, really hard to choose the greater good, when that lesser good is so appealing.  Chris and I decided to wait until marriage for physical intimacy, but it was a battle to do so.  I am being precise when I say a “battle.”  It's not for the faint of heart.  But, then again, neither is marriage (or any other glorious yet demanding endeavor).  

Dating and engagement are both training ground for your lifelong (and challenging) vocation.  Train yourself before marriage to develop self-control.  If you can routinely deny yourself in little things, when the time comes for much bigger self-denial for your beloved, you will be ready to do so.  Every marathon runner began by making that short run just a little longer.

I would be greatly remiss to leave out one final point.  You see, premarital relations negatively affect more than just the relationship with your beloved. 

We aren’t mere physical bodies ambling about the earth.  Each one of us also has a soul.  And what we do with our bodies—good or evil—will inevitably affect our soul.  Sexual relations before marriage weaken and harm the relationship between man and woman, but even worse, they can destroy the relationship between man and God. 

I could cite many sociological reasons and statistics for waiting until marriage, but the strongest reason is a spiritual one: having sexual relations outside of marriage (fornication) is a mortal or deadly sin—the most severe kind of wrong doing, which completely separates one from God.

Just imagine a plant, separated from any form of light.  Without the sustenance and energy it receives from sunlight, the plant will inevitably die.  God is the source of light for your soul.  So when you become separated from the source light, which happens with serious sin, the life of the soul will begin to starve.  But perhaps the scariest thing is that, once accustomed to the darkness, you don’t really notice it anymore.  It looks normal.  That’s why playing with this kind of fire is so downright dangerous.    

But the question remains: why are sexual relations outside of marriage really that seriously wrong—deadly even?

It’s helpful to consider what happens when two people are married.  For Catholics, this is a sacrament and two things are necessary for it.  The first is the vows spoken by the woman and man.  And the second?  It is the physical component: the bodies of the couple themselves.  In fact, the sacrament that takes place on the wedding day isn’t completely fulfilled until the newly married husband and wife engage in the marital act—sexual relations. 

Our bodies are holy; our bodies are the stuff of the sacrament.  Sexual relations are sacred…they are the completion of the marital sacrament. 

Outside of marriage, a man and woman engaging in sexual relations are taking something sacred and misusing it.  Our bodies are so precious and personal—a true gift to us—that it’s a big deal to misuse them.  The druggie who hallows out his frame from repeated overdosing fails to use his body well and it becomes serious.  That’s what deadly sins can do to us.

Never forget that sexual relations have a beautiful purpose and are part of a powerful plan for our lives and our love.  But to stray away from this plan, the man and woman not only start to distance themselves from each another, but (even worse) build a wall between themselves and the Creator of their lives and their love. 

Misplaced sexual relations will ultimately make you lose that strong relationship with your beloved.  But be careful, for you could even lose your very soul.

My wedding night was the most amazing night of my life because Chris and I gave each other the perfect gift: the total, exclusive, and permanent gift of ourselves.  That daily sacrifice of waiting until marriage produced an indescribable joy in our hearts: it was so worth it!

Let me say: this has been a very difficult post for me to write.  I don't want my words to hurt anyone, especially any family and friends who may not agree with what I have said.  Instead, I really want to see those I love happy.  The reality about dating, marriage, and sexual relations resounds so strongly in my heart and in my experience that it deeply hurts me to see those I care about hampering their efforts to give and experience love.  

I want you, dear reader, to know the indescribable joy of giving the perfect gift. 

If anything resonated in your heart from this post, but you just don't know how to turn ideals into reality, tomorrow I will be writing about how to practically and concretely implement this awesome way of loving.  As I said, it's a constant battle.  But don't worry--you won't be defenseless.

Dragons

There are so many reasons why I love Lent.  

The word Lent means “spring.”  Typically this liturgical season begins in February, during the dark, snowy, cold days of winter.  Yet, as the forty days progress, we journey spiritually and, yes, even physically to a new rebirth: spring.  All of creation comes to life again.

My daughter, father, and I went for a stroll around our house this afternoon.  It is a beautiful, sunny day, but there is a little wind.  Most days I would say, “Oh, it’s too cold to go outside”–as though we don’t own coats, hats, and mittens that would all perfectly suffice to keep us warm.  Excuses, excuses.

I’m in the midst of reading the most gripping book called Ten Ways to Destroy the Imagination of Your Child.  It’s simultaneously eye-opening and disturbing because there are things I may do so naturally with our daughter, just because it’s the norm of our society today or the way I experienced things, that have the terrible side effect of impairing the incredible gift of imagination.

Imagination is so critical.  To be able to transport yourself to another place or time, to envision a way things could be better, to dream of an unlimited number of “what ifs…”  To contemplate what is good, what is beautiful, what is real.  To imagine that this world might not be all that exists, that there might be something greater beyond the tangible, physical things around us…that maybe, just perhaps, those created elements in our world are only signposts to an even greater Good, an everlasting Truth.

At a party last weekend, three-year-old Isaac approached me with a concerned, wide-eyed look on his face.  With utmost seriousness, a Dorito clenched in his hand, he stated, “The dragon hit me right here,” gesturing to side of his face.  ”Oh, no!” I exclaimed.  ”Where is the dragon?”  Without a second’s hesitation, he pointed: the overhead fan.

What an incredible gift!  How is it that, what once came so simply to us, gradually becomes so hard?  When does a fan stop being a fire-breathing, scaly, ferocious dragon and become…a fan?

Perhaps, in part, it has to do with our setting.  At least, that’s what I have read so far in my book.

Do you realize that, for the first time in human history, men and women spend the majority of their time indoors?  That really hit me when I read it for the first time.  Sure, we have the Internet, the Wii, Ipods, etc., etc.  But what are we missing?  

As we walked about this afternoon, we discovered a thousand little stories being told all around us: the bird chirping nearby, the little trail a mouse dug through the grass, the tree stump that would make an excellent seat or table for a tea party, the daffodils lining the side of the house.  There were fluffy clouds set against a deep blue sky, just begging the viewer to call out shapes to identify them.

All this fodder for the imagination!  What was the mouse looking for when he dug his trail?  What kind of tree did we find, and what will its blossoms look like once they bloom?  What lessons the outdoors hold for us–reminders of perseverance, of hope…that even the harshest winter does not stop the coming of new life.

Our daughter was captivated by it all.  She heard the bird and promptly echoed its call with one of her own.  We basked in the sun and breathed deeply the crisp, fresh air.

I want her to see the dragon.  And, even more, I want her to imagine what is most beautiful, most true, most good.  Faith, hope, and love–these three do require a little imagination sometimes.  Looking at my neighbor and seeing the face of Christ is hard to do when your imagination has been deadened by primetime television, Youtube, and texting.

So I’ve made a resolution: spend time outdoors, even if it’s just fifteen minutes.  Spring is coming; gone now is my reasoning that it’s winter and too cold for the baby to be outdoors.  Bundle her up, get her out, and feed that imagination.

And she’ll teach me again, what I once knew myself–I will see the dragons, too.